Job 1

In a nutshell, this is almost tautologically true: Newspapers are too boring.

Go ahead, newsy types, get your outrage on. What do you mean?! We have murders and trials! Government corruption! Wars and terrorism! Opinions! Sex scandals!

We even have Get Fuzzy!

True, but then why are readers leaving in droves? Why? Because papers are too exciting and interesting?

Obviously, many people must be bored.

Look at how other media top all of what you do. TV shows dramatize murders and do it with suspense. Late-night comedians dish about politicians and celebs, while making  people laugh. Videogames let players take part in crimes and wars. Talk radio takes opinion to the level of lively argument. And magazines and the Internet, well … scratch sex off as territory in which papers can compete.

Reading too easily gets old. Seriously, most print reporting, however well done, is just a procession of paragraphs presenting topic sentences, facts, reruns of background facts, and largely predictable quotes. The language is usually safe and middle-of-the-road, the headlines often uninviting. OK, columnists and critics have more liberties, but how many choose to take them? Often they take the safe route of reasonableness, too.

Besides, by the time the paper arrives … Ah, aren’t you bored just reading this? You’ve heard it all before. You know what’s coming next. Which is just how readers react: Ho-hum, another murder. Another merger. Another study. Been there, done that. 

(Wait: Leaving in droves? Hmm … great name for a car! Pre-implanted catchphrase: “People are leaving in Droves.” Plus people might might enjoy saying, “I drove my Drove,” just for the puzzling looks. And it comes with an Internet service called iDrove.)

OK, maybe that jolt of unpredictability didn’t prove my point. Then how about a rant?

Newspapers, your columnists are too safe. (Try head-to-head debates.)

Your stories lack drama, suspense and surprise. (Do more narrative retellings after plenty of sordid details have been unearthed. And don’t give away the ending.)

You’re rarely really funny or amusing. (Get over your political correctness; do more  quirky people briefs; humor columns; and small amusing graphics.)

Readers seldom find practical information that pays off for them. (Do it more often and do it right, especially on health and money.)

No, these complaints are not one man’s assertions. I’ve heard and read all of this from others. Friends. Relatives. Radio commentators. Even colleagues.

Tell me something I need to know! Or at least makes me laugh.

And here’s the greatest proof that something’s wrong: Anybody out there ever done in-depth market research to prove or disprove these points?

Spare the talk of focus groups. Small samples prove nothing, and people tend to show  their civic-minded, thoughtful sides when smart people are watching.

Besides, what good is defending the status quo?

Patients may heal themselves, but businesses rarely do.

So heed this call for action. Make “Be Less Boring!” Job 1.

You have nothing to lose. Except your declines in circulation. 

Still unconvinced? Keep reading the pages listed on the left.

Ready to rethink? Check out all sorts of free ideas by browsing the center column, or clicking categories listed at the left.